Sleepless Nights

  Dreams are a wish your heart makes... well I guess my heart isn't making any wishes anytime soon. Recently I discovered that I have had a really hard time falling asleep. I would close my eyes and try to look at the back of my eyelids to try to fall asleep. But the clocks in my head kept ticking and ticking. Like I am wasting time and I would lay awake thinking about random things. But by the time the clocks stop ticking, it was 4 o'clock in the morning. To people who don't know what I am trying to explain, its called insomnia. It’s not something you can get medicine for, I mean not really. Melatonin and tea only help so much. But that's, not the annoying part. It just that I realized I had another mutation... I felt tears roll down my face. I have so many things wrong with me, I have been teased, pushed, bullied and laughed at. But, my whole body is slowly shutting down from not getting more than an hour of sleep each day, for a whole week so far. I sit there on those sleepless nights thinking back on everything I could change if I could. Who I would apologize to or maybe who I would forgive. Those nights are the worst nights. You just sit there and think about all the things that you need to do. For me, I sat there counting my calories, crying, cutting. All three C's. To the point where I was hospitalized for I guess just being me. 

 It's hard, being different than everyone else. Insomnia is not some crazy disorder, it is just apart of life. But how crappy is that? Knowing that you can’t have peaceful sleep every night. That when you close your eyes, the grandfather clock says, "oh you’re trying to sleep, let me play the sound of my freaking people!" Ya well, thank you stupid clocks. I officially want to smash my head open! But that's not what makes me different. Its the fact I can't be skinny enough, my face constantly looks like someone ran me over and I don't think that will ever change. SO add all of that with no sleep, what do you get... a very dramatic and damaged girl. During class, I finally passed out and my teacher had to wake me up. I had dark circles under my eyes and I was skin and bone. I was dying slowly.... no killing myself slowly, and I didn't know how to ask for help or if I even deserved to be helped. Honestly, I still don't believe that I can be helped. I am screwed up in every aspect of my life. A disappointment to my family, not skinny enough, not classy enough. The self-made scars all over my body prove how imperfect I will always be. But I needed help... I still need help. After another 72 hours of hospitalization, I felt like more than just a freak. A depressed, fat freak. 
  I don't really know why I am writing this. Maybe it's a cry for help? Or maybe I just want some perspective, some understanding of why I have to be the one with all the issues. My little sister, well shes perfect. My parent's perfect little girl. Before you ask, I do not resent her. I will protect her at all costs, I never want her to be like me. Counting calories and hating myself every time I look in the mirror. If she ever ended up with my issues I would never forgive myself. I just pray she sees me as more than just her fucked up older sister. My therapist says I feel too much, I try too hard. Well why don't you stop judging me and tell me what to fucking do, that is what my parents pay you for right? Most of the time she talks though I just tune her out, I mean you can't tell me how messed up I am hahaha I already know but I don't mind... better than being told how stupid I am by someone in class. Either way hopefully one day it will get better. My mom says "Just stay positive princess, you will be happy one day". Well looking forward to it, but it seems like a real stretch if you ask me. 
  All in all, I guess I mostly wrote this in hopes it will help someone else. Don't hate yourself as much as I do. I wish I could change or just stop trying so hard to help everyone else but me. I cant, so listen to me when I say...Please, dear God, get some god damn rest. You need it, we all do.