Life beyond High School.

For some, high school is their kingdom. Teenagers are like vampires.. they feed off of other peoples sadness and loneliness. For me it is different. I am a cheerleader, but everyone automatically assumes that I'm a bitch. Well if you know me then you would laugh because I am the exact opposite of that. But we know what happens when you assume.. It makes an ass out of you and me. The point is, there are so many stereotypes in high school that I could not count on my two hands. I bet most of you have read these kinds of blogs before, but it never makes a difference.. because no one really thinks its a big deal. What about like beyond high school. In your future job do you think you can just mouth off to your co-workers like you do with your parents or even teachers? Let's be honest.. grow up. All of the super cool jocks that everyone thinks is super hot but he's a total dick. YA well, you're not fooling me... 
 You're not going to be in high school forever, so why not start acting like an adult? That doesn't mean you can't go to parties and have fun with friends. Trust me my parents still do. Im just saying life isn't going to be anything like high school. You cant skip work like you skip class. Or not do the work your boss gives you. I know it's harsh but a lot of people are blinded by there parents' protection. The parents keep them from seeing what they need to learn to keep a job and a family. Growing up is a hard thing to do... It's kind of like riding a bike in away. The first step is getting on the bike. That is an elementary school. The second step is taking off your training wheels like in middle school, getting ready for high school. But at the end of middle school and you finally push off the ground and start pedaling as fast as you can, you may fall but your family picks you up. You see how that ends. The 4th step is always the hardest. Going into college, you have to learn that your parents are not always going to be there to pick up all the pieces and get you out of trouble. You have to pick up the bike your self and start again. 
 After you start pedaling from there.. its not always a ride around the park. Its up a mountain . of paying for collage, getting good grades and have a successful life. High school is there for you to have fun and mess around. To find yourself.. its not going to be there in the future. Once you graduate.. you cant go back as a student. Just remember that..

If growing up is the process of creating ideas and dreams about what life should be, then maturity is letting go again.
   -Mary Beth Danielson

The Play List of your Life

Everyone has to have a favorite track/ song. Maybe even an album. I know I do. Music is my life. When I listen to music I feel whole. I can sit for hours and think about all the important things in my life. How lucky I am. I know that sounds very dramatic. But, when you listen and stare out the window. You feel peaceful. I have a play list called the "Play list of my Life". Its those songs that can make me feel like I'm not living in that family who everyone thinks is perfect. Or that my 12 year old sister is smarter then me. How sad is that! And the whole family likes me to feel like a burden to the family. But music can keep me from hitting them across the face. I will listen to it for hours calming down. Its in the soul. What kind of music do you guys like? What inspires you? 
   What music inspires me? The songs that is not stupid dup-step or Justin Bieber. I don't have anything against belibers. BUT! does his songs have any meaning at all? What happened to people making music about life, love, or about beauty. All people write about now is drugs and getting high. How does that have any meaning at all? I might be wrong. Sorry if I offended you but .. its just something to think about.
    A couple years ago, in 8th grade, my whole grade got to take a field trip to Disney Land! I had such a fun time. I also got to meet the one and only... Rebecca Black.. I felt awful for her. All my friends kept saying" hey Rebecca what day is it" and all of those rude things. That day I realized something, Rebecca wanted to sing. She did what the producers told her to and now she the the Friday Girl. People can influence the world with music and in this generation its not in a good way. She is just one example of those people who want to start their career. And it ruins it instead.
     My genre of music would probably be country or maybe even soul. Those songs tell stories. They express the singers life and emotion. I have written music before. Its very rough but it expresses me. That's what a song is supposed to do. This generation have lost the meaning of what music really is. It's all about being number one. Being on the charts like Billboard. Or being on TV.. I just wish we could look deeper into the meaning of music. Music inspires people and is the play list of your life...

“Without music, life would be a mistake.” 
― Friedrich Nietzsche, Twilight of the Idols

“If I were not a physicist, I would probably be a musician. I often think in music. I live my daydreams in music. I see my life in terms of music.” 
― Albert Einstein

Sleepless Nights

  Dreams are a wish your heart makes... well I guess my heart isn't making any wishes anytime soon. Recently I discovered that I have had a really hard time falling asleep. I would close my eyes and try to look at the back of my eyelids to try to fall asleep. But the clocks in my head kept ticking and ticking. Like I am wasting time and I would lay awake thinking about random things. But by the time the clocks stop ticking, it was 4 o'clock in the morning. To people who don't know what I am trying to explain, its called insomnia. It’s not something you can get medicine for, I mean not really. Melatonin and tea only help so much. But that's, not the annoying part. It just that I realized I had another mutation... I felt tears roll down my face. I have so many things wrong with me, I have been teased, pushed, bullied and laughed at. But, my whole body is slowly shutting down from not getting more than an hour of sleep each day, for a whole week so far. I sit there on those sleepless nights thinking back on everything I could change if I could. Who I would apologize to or maybe who I would forgive. Those nights are the worst nights. You just sit there and think about all the things that you need to do. For me, I sat there counting my calories, crying, cutting. All three C's. To the point where I was hospitalized for I guess just being me. 

 It's hard, being different than everyone else. Insomnia is not some crazy disorder, it is just apart of life. But how crappy is that? Knowing that you can’t have peaceful sleep every night. That when you close your eyes, the grandfather clock says, "oh you’re trying to sleep, let me play the sound of my freaking people!" Ya well, thank you stupid clocks. I officially want to smash my head open! But that's not what makes me different. Its the fact I can't be skinny enough, my face constantly looks like someone ran me over and I don't think that will ever change. SO add all of that with no sleep, what do you get... a very dramatic and damaged girl. During class, I finally passed out and my teacher had to wake me up. I had dark circles under my eyes and I was skin and bone. I was dying slowly.... no killing myself slowly, and I didn't know how to ask for help or if I even deserved to be helped. Honestly, I still don't believe that I can be helped. I am screwed up in every aspect of my life. A disappointment to my family, not skinny enough, not classy enough. The self-made scars all over my body prove how imperfect I will always be. But I needed help... I still need help. After another 72 hours of hospitalization, I felt like more than just a freak. A depressed, fat freak. 
  I don't really know why I am writing this. Maybe it's a cry for help? Or maybe I just want some perspective, some understanding of why I have to be the one with all the issues. My little sister, well shes perfect. My parent's perfect little girl. Before you ask, I do not resent her. I will protect her at all costs, I never want her to be like me. Counting calories and hating myself every time I look in the mirror. If she ever ended up with my issues I would never forgive myself. I just pray she sees me as more than just her fucked up older sister. My therapist says I feel too much, I try too hard. Well why don't you stop judging me and tell me what to fucking do, that is what my parents pay you for right? Most of the time she talks though I just tune her out, I mean you can't tell me how messed up I am hahaha I already know but I don't mind... better than being told how stupid I am by someone in class. Either way hopefully one day it will get better. My mom says "Just stay positive princess, you will be happy one day". Well looking forward to it, but it seems like a real stretch if you ask me. 
  All in all, I guess I mostly wrote this in hopes it will help someone else. Don't hate yourself as much as I do. I wish I could change or just stop trying so hard to help everyone else but me. I cant, so listen to me when I say...Please, dear God, get some god damn rest. You need it, we all do. 

Behind the scenes of Me

If you have ever met me, you will know that i am a very energetic and loud person. I can be annoying as hell sometimes. But who isn't!I am also a very honest person. If you want the truth I will give it straight out.. I have been judged this year because of it. I didn't use to be like this, but after all the bullying and the people talking crap behind my back, i decided I was finally going to stick up for myself.. you think i cant hear you. Im not your bitch. Don't worry this isn't gonna be one of those feelings blogs. But im sick an tired of people pretending that they know how I feel or that i don't care that you bail on me for another person.  I actually have feelings. Behind all of the makeup and me telling you its OK for hooking up with the guy i like right in front of me! Ya I was lying!  But, no one could really care. No one could care that maybe I  hate that my parents dont understand me and have run away once or twice... OK more then that. To make that better, my parents didn't even notice and still don't know. My ex best friend still uses me today, treats me like crap and never pays me back. I just go with it because I feel important. I was physically and mentally depressed and my friends let me fall in the dirt and kicked it in my eyes. But I don't care anymore. I just wish that I didn't have to crawl out myself. There is more to me then a blonde hair and blue eyed cheerleader... im more then that.

"You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection."
- The Buddha

The Start

To everyone who reads this blog, i put my feelings, dreams, and a dash of reality in my writing. This is were I can let go of everyone one, and everything that surrounds me. All of those teenage girls in high school who cant get over there stupid boyfriends, or the new hookup. I could care less. Sorry, but life is not just about boys and all the drama. You will not be in high school forever. But, enough of that, the reason i have named this "The Start"... well how should i begin. My life was and still is a complete and utter mess. So i have decided to share all of the embarrassing yet disturbing moments in my past that have helped me be who i am today.  And to share with you, what i see through my eyes that others might miss and or ignore.