The Word That Kills

Disappointment.. it tends to be a word that I hear a lot in my family... "You are a disappointment" or "I am so disappointed in you". I have always tried so hard to win over my parent's hearts. But, it seems that the game is rigged. My house is like the hunger games... I feel like I am a burden and that I do not fit in. I may look like these so-called blood-related people. But, we have nothing in common and they do not even love me. Do you know how that feels? Today is valentines day and I have never cried so much. Not because I am single, but because today is my coach's birthday. No, it's because my family is disappointed in me. And, because I feel unloved by my own mother who is supposed to care for you and love you no matter what. I didn't kill anyone, I didn't do drugs. I was committed to going to college and trying to stay close to home. But now that I have been admitted by the University of Iowa. I can't wait to get out of here. Graduation could not come sooner. I am counting down the days. Waiting for the alarm to go off on the last day of school. Where I can pack my bags and say "Adieu enculés". They don't know french..so that makes it so much better.
 
My sister is loved, cherished, prized like a glass doll. She is perfect. An athlete, a beauty, a popular girl, and she is smart. Why wouldn't they love my younger sister more? It's not like I have waited and worked my whole life to hear them say once they were proud of me. Oh, wait... I have. I have always worked hard and studied non stop just for their approval... I know now, no matter what I do. I am never going to get it. I won't say it doesn't suck... It is awful. I hope no one ever feels the way I do. It is the worst feeling anyone could ever have. A parent's disapproval or disappointment in one being they created. Its kinda messed up if you ask me. But, I don't make the rules. The big guy does.. and apparently, he doesn't like me so much either..

There is not much I can say anymore. The three of them are getting ready now to leave and have fun without me... I asked if I was welcome to join. My father's words included the following. "You have been bitchy lately, so when you stop acting like an ass.. maybe" You must ask, Sarah what did you do.. ooh I parked my car in his spot. I am treated poorly. I know I am a kid and that parents have the first say.. and supposedly they know what's best... But do they know what's best for me? Or are they just guessing?
 

The No Title

I can't find a title.. Just like I can't find my life. The puzzle I was putting together. I have lost all the pieces. Nothing is fitting into place and I feel like giving up. I want to scream, but I don't want anyone to notice me. I want to look strong and that what people say doesn't hurt me. But their words are like knifes slashing in my back. With no one to help me with my wounds. I can't eat, I can't sleep. It's starting all over again. But, I don't want to stop it because it feels natural and feels good. I know it's not health and not good for me. Yet I don't care. I know I wouldn't think twice about leaving this earth.. I have never felt like I was good enough... So this post doesn't have a title because not even my writing deserves it.

I can feel the temptation of old habits.. I feel worthless and empty like a book with no pages, a book with no title. I am not going to stop it. I am going to tear out the pages... And throw them in the ocean forgotten and lost forever... No title