LoSt GiRl

I wanted to leave all of it behind and never look back, to see the town in my rearview mirror. But it doesn't work that way does it.. I had thought that I had finally found myself again. That I could be happy with myself, happy being me and happy with who I have become. But, when I wake up and look in the mirror all I can see is a lost girl. Someone who has morphed into society and fooled everyone around her. I sit there and smile, saying that I am fine, but really... I am more lost than I have ever been before.
My doctor used to tell me that to find happiness you need to look inside yourself and find the center of the pain. I have done that.. but The pain is stemmed from me, I am the pain. I am torturing myself and I know it, but I only know one way to stop it. When did society hold so much pressure on all of us. When did we all have the idea that we have to perfect. I am far from perfect and I have never hated myself more than I do now. I know people say to love yourself for yourself and accept yourself for who you are but.. I hate all the freckles I have, I hate my small feet and how short I am.
I think that I hoped that when I came to college and discovered myself I would finally be able to love the real me and accept myself for who I am. But I think it did the opposite. I saw how messed up I truly am and realized how alone in the world all of us really are. Its not just me.. its all of us. But I am sick of being alone. I am sick of hating myself. When does it all change?

The Word That Kills

Disappointment.. it tends to be a word that I hear a lot in my family... "You are a disappointment" or "I am so disappointed in you". I have always tried so hard to win over my parent's hearts. But, it seems that the game is rigged. My house is like the hunger games... I feel like I am a burden and that I do not fit in. I may look like these so-called blood-related people. But, we have nothing in common and they do not even love me. Do you know how that feels? Today is valentines day and I have never cried so much. Not because I am single, but because today is my coach's birthday. No, it's because my family is disappointed in me. And, because I feel unloved by my own mother who is supposed to care for you and love you no matter what. I didn't kill anyone, I didn't do drugs. I was committed to going to college and trying to stay close to home. But now that I have been admitted by the University of Iowa. I can't wait to get out of here. Graduation could not come sooner. I am counting down the days. Waiting for the alarm to go off on the last day of school. Where I can pack my bags and say "Adieu enculés". They don't know french..so that makes it so much better.
 
My sister is loved, cherished, prized like a glass doll. She is perfect. An athlete, a beauty, a popular girl, and she is smart. Why wouldn't they love my younger sister more? It's not like I have waited and worked my whole life to hear them say once they were proud of me. Oh, wait... I have. I have always worked hard and studied non stop just for their approval... I know now, no matter what I do. I am never going to get it. I won't say it doesn't suck... It is awful. I hope no one ever feels the way I do. It is the worst feeling anyone could ever have. A parent's disapproval or disappointment in one being they created. Its kinda messed up if you ask me. But, I don't make the rules. The big guy does.. and apparently, he doesn't like me so much either..

There is not much I can say anymore. The three of them are getting ready now to leave and have fun without me... I asked if I was welcome to join. My father's words included the following. "You have been bitchy lately, so when you stop acting like an ass.. maybe" You must ask, Sarah what did you do.. ooh I parked my car in his spot. I am treated poorly. I know I am a kid and that parents have the first say.. and supposedly they know what's best... But do they know what's best for me? Or are they just guessing?
 

The No Title

I can't find a title.. Just like I can't find my life. The puzzle I was putting together. I have lost all the pieces. Nothing is fitting into place and I feel like giving up. I want to scream, but I don't want anyone to notice me. I want to look strong and that what people say doesn't hurt me. But their words are like knifes slashing in my back. With no one to help me with my wounds. I can't eat, I can't sleep. It's starting all over again. But, I don't want to stop it because it feels natural and feels good. I know it's not health and not good for me. Yet I don't care. I know I wouldn't think twice about leaving this earth.. I have never felt like I was good enough... So this post doesn't have a title because not even my writing deserves it.

I can feel the temptation of old habits.. I feel worthless and empty like a book with no pages, a book with no title. I am not going to stop it. I am going to tear out the pages... And throw them in the ocean forgotten and lost forever... No title 

To My "C"

Coach (Aka Gru)

     I don't think you understand how much I miss you already. You have been one of my heroes since 4th grade. When I looked at you I thought I was looking straight at god(even though you are Jewish). You have always been there for me and it's going to be really hard to let you go. I do believe I am still in shock. You have guided me through every problem I thought I had or would have and ever faced. You have been the parental figure to all of us. Coach, you have changed lives, in ways I don't think you can even imagine. My saying for you is "Live, Love, Laugh." Mostly because it explains you completely. I have never ever been a confident person. Yet, you never stopped trying to make me feel comfortable in my own skin. By this time I am actually crying while trying to get out every word. You made me feel almost invincible. That no matter what mistake I made you would still give me the best bear hug in the whole freaking world. You have always given me hope, kindness, joy and complete and utter honesty( Like seriously too much honest :)). You have taught me and so many other people life lessons that no one will get the chance to learn at such a young age. I was some boney, tiny blond with too many freckles and "eyes like color of my candy lollipop" ( you quoted this coach, and if you get to read this one day then yes I know your weird!)
   We are supposed to write these and then cremate them with you... But I am at a loss of words to say. There are so many memories that I have with you I can't write them all. Yet I am going to try because you need something to read while you are watching over our boring lives. I don't know if you will remember this but, in 7th grade, we were at the cheer clinic. I was flying for the first time and trying to do a lib, and then got dropped on my head... you picked me up looked me in the eyes and said a good job, try it again so you will not be scared. I felt so proud of myself. Just you recognizing my hard work meant and will always mean everything to me. I look up to you so much coach and you were my person, you always will be. You honestly remind me what it is to be human. You have shown us all what it means to make mistakes and take responsibility for your actions. To never give up, to keep going when your heart is broken or when your too weak to go on. You were there to pick us all up and finish the race. I wish I could have been there to pick you up. But either way, you won 1st place.

There was a moment that we, as a team, all remember. Your Mantrums. The best thing I have ever seen. Mostly because I was trying not to laugh. You were so mad we did not put all of our poms in one pile, you picked them up and yelled: "put them in a pile!!" You were so mad hahaha. Those moments when One direction What Makes You Beautiful was your favorite song and wanted it to be the tryout song. You knew every single word to that song. Yet your favorite part was the one word "Come on". I still do not understand, but your coach and I don't think I ever will.

I do believe I now have a guardian angel looking over me, protecting me from all the things coming at me in the night. I know that every yellow light I hit is you laughing at me and making fun of me. I really don't know why the best people have the worst of luck. It does not make any sense to me what so ever. How is it that you could have Lymphoma B cell Cancer? And the fact that it is 95% curable and you landed in the 5%?? I want to be really angry with you because you left us... you left me. But I can't, your the only person I know who could start a fight and end it with everyone laughing in a matter of minutes. You would tell us we were fugly so that when we were called it, it would affect us ha-ha. You will always be my second father. You raised me. Jordan and Cole are like my siblings. Suzy is like my mom, protecting me and fixing my hair :). I love you coach and I am going to miss you so much. Rest in Paradise C. #4C!!

Sarah

Failure

I used to think failure didn't exist. Mostly because my mom told me that you always achieve something. Yet I can barley get into college, let alone have a future. My family has given up on me. I was the burden and now they pretend I do no exist. Sometimes I wish I didn't..

Almost There..

      Being a senior makes going back to school even worse than before. At least for me it is. I feel like being a senior should mean that my year should be easy. Yet my classes this year are more stressful than before. You have duties as a senior. You have to keep your grades, if your getting a scholarship, and you have to try to be a role model for the underclassmen.
      As you all know, I do not take stress very well. Better than in years past. But, I get overwhelmed very fast. So going back to school with stress, makes it more stressful, if that is even possible. There is a term called senioritis. It is a awful disease spreading to seniors in high school all around the world.  The symptoms are not going to class, and just not caring about school anymore, in which all teachers know of this problem. Yet they do not have a cure. They just give up on trying to get the seniors to get good grades or even come to class.
      I am overwhelmed with happiness that I am graduating, but, I am sad that I will lose the traditions that I have created with my family and friends throughout the years. Its a weird feeling to know that I have only 1 year left. Then I am on my own, living life, finding my own path to success. Some of my best friends just graduated 2014. Going to all of there graduation parties made me cry but, also realizing that I will be that person soon.
     I am lucky that I know what I want to do, and who I want to be. I have friends who love me for who I am. So going to a different school, that your parents don't sign you up for, and not having your group to make you feel protected from the "high school bullies", having to start all over. That terrifying.. I know that I am almost there, but I do not want it to be over. I want everything to be the same. I am scared to start all over..

The Cards We Are Given...

   Sometimes the cards you given in life are not always the ones that will help you win the game. Does that mean you should give up and forfeit. Should that mean that you will lose. No. I had to learn that the hard way. I had to play the game 1000 times before I could even get an Ace. Getting an Ace does not mean you have won. It means you have taken a step forward. My family are the kind of people who get easily stressed about things and give up quit easily. Yet, here I am saying to never do what I have done in the past. I am only a teen , but as a teenager I have learned what my parents learned at age 30. Due to the fact, our generation experience more than one should at our age. I do not know the whole play book. But I am learning chapter 1. That stands for something.
   For the past 16 1/2 years I have gone through life, scared about what I was going to lose. Not caring about myself, only others around me. That is not a bad thing. Yet it is not a good thing either. I have discovered that there is no proper balance between the two things. People always get upset if you choose yourself over them, or get mad because your not doing what you want to do. There is no easy street, no easier way. Part of growing up, is figuring out yourself and the people around you. I still have not found out who I am or who I want to be. I see people all around me, leaving for college and their careers. They have the ace to their deck. Maybe more than one. They know where they want to go. I have one Ace, I know what I am good at. Yet parents are still putting so much pressure on all of us, I sometimes forget what I am even working for. This whole blog is a jumbled mess of comparisons. But the fact is, do not let other people effect your life and your decisions. FIGURE OUT YOU, before you go stressing about why your best friend is mad, that will fall into place. You are an important person and your decisions in life will take effect on everyone around you. Remember that before trying to pull a bluff.