I wanted to leave all of it behind and never look back, to see the town in my rearview mirror. But it doesn't work that way does it.. I had thought that I had finally found myself again. That I could be happy with myself, happy being me and happy with who I have become. But, when I wake up and look in the mirror all I can see is a lost girl. Someone who has morphed into society and fooled everyone around her. I sit there and smile, saying that I am fine, but really... I am more lost than I have ever been before.
My doctor used to tell me that to find happiness you need to look inside yourself and find the center of the pain. I have done that.. but The pain is stemmed from me, I am the pain. I am torturing myself and I know it, but I only know one way to stop it. When did society hold so much pressure on all of us. When did we all have the idea that we have to perfect. I am far from perfect and I have never hated myself more than I do now. I know people say to love yourself for yourself and accept yourself for who you are but.. I hate all the freckles I have, I hate my small feet and how short I am.
I think that I hoped that when I came to college and discovered myself I would finally be able to love the real me and accept myself for who I am. But I think it did the opposite. I saw how messed up I truly am and realized how alone in the world all of us really are. Its not just me.. its all of us. But I am sick of being alone. I am sick of hating myself. When does it all change?
